I’ve always had an issue with showing my emotions. I was taught to not show my feelings ever, just suck it up and keep it in. With 2 older brothers and a strict father, I learned quickly that crying and showing vulnerability were not the way to be successful in life, although I threw a lot of temper tantrums. I learned to avoid people, hide who I was, and put up thick shields. I once had my school counselor pull me aside and ask me, quite sternly, why I felt I couldn’t show my feelings. Later in my Masters, I completely skipped the modules that had to do with emotional intelligence, which turns out to be SUPER IMPORTANT in business….oops.
So needless to say, the “emotional” part of me was buried under layers and layers of shields and righteousness. I wore a mask that revealed to no one how I felt inside. Expressing and utilizing my emotions to my advantage was foreign to me and a muscle that was never flexed. So, I played the victim in life and business due to the fact that I had all of these unresolved feelings buried deep within me. Playing the victim reinforced the mask that I needed to keep on.
Opening up and cracking the chasm was not pretty, and it was months of therapy and various techniques that helped bring out vulnerable pieces that I never knew existed and for long time didn’t want to acknowledge. I slowly realized the importance of emotions after reading Leveraging the Universe, The Desire Map and I just started reading the Universe Has Your Back. I noticed a trend that all these books talked about, this concept of “feeling” when visualizing and meditating – creating a high vibration to attract the things you want in your life.
I felt like I understood the theory and I had access to these super powers (feelings) but had no idea how to do it. I tried for months to imagine myself in a good feeling of what I wanted. In this case, building a successful (new) business and hitting my milestones. It’s not like I hadn’t manifested before – I got my dream car, paid of an exuberant amount of debt and lost a ton of weight. Manifesting is not just wishing for things, it’s more about putting it out there to anyone who will listen, having discipline to stick to your goals, and taking action however you can to achieve it. But this time, it seemed personal, in the sense that I was really and truly putting myself out there as a personal brand and people could judge me for it. Also, it felt like I had this underlying reason not to succeed or this resistance to believing that it could happen. It was layers and layers deep. Also, it was hard to imagine myself in this space of “being successful” – what would that feel like exactly? How is it different than now?
I still have trouble with it, but I felt writing about it would help me get it out of my system. So here’s how I’m trying to move past this:
Tapping – I wrote in a previous post that I was going to try EFT tapping. I actually worked with a money coach to figure out the exact scripts I needed based on what my underlying issues were. I’ve been tapping for three weeks straight, sometimes twice a day! I do see my anxiety lessen and my mood become lighter, but so far I don’t feel like the scripts are completely false or my issues resolved, so I’ll keep tapping and one day it’ll work! I have faith!
Forgiveness – Forgiving everything ever. I started with my money forgiveness list which was about 35 things since I was 5 years old till like last month. I sit with each and repeat: I’m sorry, I forgive you, I love you. This technique is from the book: Get Rich, Lucky Bitch. I now have to move on to thinking of every single mistake that I’ve ever made or felt guilty about and after each line, I write, I forgive myself.
Feeling the feels – I also mentioned in my previous post that I started meditating everyday. This is when I try to evoke these “success” feelings. My most profound experience to reach these hidden feelings was to think of feelings of love, happiness and joy in my current life, example: the simple memory of my 18 month old nephew bringing his bag of blocks to me and giggling. I combine all these sweet memories into a feeling of total happiness – I fill my heart with it, my body and project outwards. I feel these feelings to the point where I can feel tears in my eyes and then I ask for more of it. Now, doing this is no easy feat. I was able to get to this point only a few times. Again, I feel like reaching this point takes practice and digging deep – I’ll keep trying!
Gratitude – Another thing I practice is gratitude. I write them out as often as I remember and think about how fortunate I am to have everything I want in life and how I am surrounded with people I love and care about me. This helps bring me back out of feelings of anxiety or depression quickly!
So, that’s where I’m at right now. One day, I’ll look back on this post and… laugh? While sipping Veuve on a sailboat.
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