Lately, I took a break. I needed to do some much needed soul searching. Sadly, it was because of what some guy said that prompted the truth. It had nothing to do with the guy, it was the fact that I was trying to be someone I was not. I gave myself 3 months to focus on myself and what I wanted without any distractions. Those 3 months are almost over, and upon reflection, the truth is hard to swallow.
I have/had a non-committal, blase and indifferent attitude towards life. I am the type of person that doesn’t really care about many things, which is great since I never sweat “the small stuff” but at some point, I stopped caring about even the bigger things. I began to float through life with an air of indifference. Of course this affected my health in some ways, my relationships and life in general. Perhaps it was due to excessive travel and working long hours which switched all priorities to the matters at hand, but eventually it caught up with me. Moreover, I kept putting off important decisions that needed to be made.
I allowed people to control my emotions. It’s so easy to get caught up with emotion in situations, yet when you don’t accept and truly believe in yourself, it can be harder to extract yourself from emotion and look at situations objectively. You will never be able to control what others think of you or what they do, all you can do is control your reaction. This is increasingly important in professional situations.
I stopped doing things that made me happy. I’ve been a quasi health nut and fitness junkie since I was a kid. Some sort of physical activity has always been a part of my life in some shape or form. In that sense, it gives me a sense of routine and structure in my otherwise unusual “schedule”. Beyond that, I like being healthy, feeling strong and fit and when I don’t, it bothers me to the point where I get depressed and lethargic. I also enjoy reading and writing; familiar things I have been doing since I was a kid. Yet in a span of a year, slowly I was not doing any of these things on a daily basis, until it was a week, then a month…
I felt guilty about my chosen entrepreneur lifestyle and tried to fit my circle self into a square hole. I don’t wake up at the crack of dawn, I much rather prefer to work late and sleep in. I trade in security and a stable pay cheque for freedom to do what I want when I want to do it. If I don’t feel like working, I won’t. Yet, I will work weekends, and nights at anytime. I don’t make a lot of money and I’m okay with that.
I allowed my passions and things that make me happy get swallowed up in negativity. My mind was clouded with all the things that were wrong. Rather than fixing anything, I wallowed in it for awhile, but atleast I eventually came to my senses!
You can imagine what feelings the combination of all of this lead to: unhappiness with life and self which is an overall feeling of dullness. It’s a feeling that is hard to shake because its not a quick fix but takes positive reinforcement over time.
How did I repair myself:
- Realized that while I am a carefree person, I needed to take responsibility for my actions and start to CARE again about things that matter, plus make decisions and think things through.
- Stop allowing anyone to control how I feel. This was like a light bulb moment since it had a lot to do with self-acceptance and confidence. Also, letting go of one’s ego, it doesn’t matter what people think, it only matters what you think about yourself. However, it was very difficult to get there.
- Started doing things that made me happy. Joined a workout class, started eating healthy, stopped drinking so much, started jogging, started reading before bed and of course writing again in a blog format.
- Stop feeling guilty about my life. I realize how blessed I am to be able to live how I live as not many people can do it. Because of it, I have so many exciting opportunities ahead of me.
- Be and stay positive as much as I can. Reading inspirational quotes and books helps. Also, surrounding myself with positive people who love you no matter what helps as well.
Lastly, do what I really want to do because I can – this I will save for another blog post, because its big news.
Although this was a personal journey for me, I hope that it has helped you in some way. Do let me know your thoughts.